Witchcraft

Witchcraft

“I’ve come at last,” said he. “She has kept me out for a long time, but I have got in at last. Aslan is on the move. The Witch’s magic is weakening.” – Father Christmas

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – Chapter 10

The Sausage Tree

Up the road a bit from my friend’s house in Katima Mulilo is a tall shady tree.  Big trees are a big deal in Namibia, where the sun shines hot nearly every day of the year.  This one is uniquely characterized by the large, sausage like appendages hanging down from its branches.  In addition to shade and the fear that a large seed pod will fall on your head, the tree also offers the gift of male enhancement.  If interested please follow the following instructions:

Step 1: Around September or October, climb the tree until you reach one of the young seed pods.  Don’t forget to bring your knife.

Step 2: Select the seed pod closest to you in size, and notch it with your knife.

Step 3: Return every few weeks to check the size of your pod.  As the pod grows, so shall you.

Step 4: VERY IMPORTANT.  Return to climb the tree and pick your pod once it has reached the desired size.  If you do not return, you will find yourself growing very big indeed, and it might eventually fall off once the pod becomes too heavy.

You’re welcome.

Witchraft, Sausage tree
A veteran sausage tree.

Midnight Robbers

Does your salary not quite cut it?  Envious of the people in town with nice things?   You might be considering robbing people’s houses.  Perhaps you have decided that the middle of the night is the best time.  Then this information concerns you.

‘Pooping’ is the answer you were looking for but failed to find on your own.  By pooping in the house once inside, you become lighter and cloaked in silence.  The sleeping owners of the house will be none the wiser, as you silently wipe the place clean.

N.B. This technique does not work on small children.

Do not rob this house
Do not rob this house

A Most Dangerous Dream

I turned and saw him coming at me, he pushed me off the edge and I fell, falling … But it was all a dream.  A dangerous dream.  I woke up the next morning feeling under the weather, and I realized what had happened.  I was witched!  And the man who pushed me was the one who did it.  Later that day I fell in a ditch and got all my money stolen.  At least I didn’t have blood coming out of the pores in my face like that other guy people talk about.

Any time you have a dream where you get hurt, die, or have some other violent event happen to you, the perpetrator in your dream is the one who witched you.  But only if you wake up feeling sick and then something terrible happens in your day.  Then you can go to the witch doctor and witch them back.  Vengeance will be mine!  And yours.

A dangerous reality, rafting class 5 rapids of the Zambezi.
A dangerous reality, rafting class 5 rapids of the Zambezi.

Don’t Go to Katima

There’s a man with goat legs driving a taxi.

Witchcraft, Apartheid
Or he may be locked in this old apartheid prison.

Money and the Power

The only way to become something from nothing is through witchcraft.  Oprah Winfrey? Witchcraft.  Ralph Lauren? Witchcraft.  That man from your village that started a super market in town? Don’t go there he might be needing more power today.  Ahh but how does he get his power?  Good question, but you won’t like the answer.

Last week in Katima, two children were found after being kidnapped.  They escaped the fate that children a month before had not, of being murdered and dismembered.  The body parts of children are now the most valuable tools in witchcraft, giving the collector great money and power.  So much for education and hard work.

Witchcraft, Zambia
Or you can worship the Zambian river gods.

The Spiritual Healer

Breathing heavily and freaking out can only mean one thing.  You have sinned.  It’s not really your fault though, the demon inside of you forced your hand.  To remove the demon, the spiritual healer will circle you with a cup of water, drinking and spitting at your feet.  Finally they will pour the cup of water on your head, and you are cleansed of your demon.

A dip in the river is even better, watch out for crocodiles.
A dip in the river is even better, watch out for crocodiles.

DISCLAIMER:  Do not try any of this at home.  Witchcraft doesn’t actually work.

weens
Meet the author / weens

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